痛定思痛

昨天投篮的每一个“差一点”果真为接下来漩涡式的心情起伏埋下了伏笔。我真的不知道要怎么表达心中的那种痛，更加也没有一个真正能倾诉的对象，体会我心情的人。这样莫名其妙的被贬到备用的地位，又得眼睁睁的看着其他人占据原本可属于自己的位置，心中纠结不堪。最令人心痛的是，从理性的角度来看，我根本是谁也没资格怨，更加没有诉苦的权利或是让人为我感到不值，到抱不平的理由。除了漠不关心，也只有同情。虽然我付出的努力可能不及你们的要求，足以让我避免被忽视的命运吧。对于处在那种尴尬又心痛的情况下我，真的不知道还能怎么样了。

我真的是心力交瘁，筋疲力尽了。收手吧，睁开双眼看看周围的人心情到底有多纠结，多苦闷。千万别再埋怨自己处于的环境，因为我没你过得好，也没有任何同情你的理由。如果焦色对调，对我反倒更好。

痛定思痛，痛更痛。

think about the bloody consequences

ARGH *@$#!&%@&@

WHY AM I MADE TO FEEL SO GUILTY SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU ALL CONVENIENTLY THREW ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY TO ME. I BECAME THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR ACCOUNTING YOUR BEHAVIOUR. SORRY IF IM DIFFERENT FROM YOU AND GET AFFECTED SO EASILY BY SUCH STUFF THAT I FEEL ARE TOTALLY AGAINST MY CONSCIENCE EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T EVEN DO IT. IF I WASN'T DRAGGED INTO THIS AND DIDN'T GET AFFECTED SO MUCH, I WOULDN'T GIVE A DAMN.

how is it that some people can do outrageous things and not even realise their mistake when explicitly pointed out by others? and please have the courage to express your true feelings. no need to try so hard so put on a false front and act like nothing happened.

反正我对得起天地良心，而且并不认为在处理这件事方面有任何不妥。更何况你们把你们应该面对的谴责转到我身上，害得我因为这件事无辜的被连累。我知道有些人一定不爽到爆，不过我也管不了那么多。有可能经过这件事后，一切都会不一样，我们所熟悉的一切也会彻底的改变。可我决不会后悔，因为我至少过得了自己这一关。

免费的展览都没人看

haven't posted in so long and the first thing im gonna do is rant.


disgusting. that's probably that most apt word to describe you. making yourself a nuisance all the time is really something unprecedented. i do get pissed off everytime i see you. or maybe not. sometimes i laugh, at you of course. the best part is that you don't seem to understand it. why are you like permanently in exile, constantly kept out of range? it's not just a moment of bitching or an occasional biased view. if we needed case studies for all the weaknesses that you have, we'd have to study SEA ten times over. if you talk about pushovers who make their mark later on in life and that you're gonna follow that path in future, then congrats. but when you get there, think back and remember those people who played a vital role in pushing you around and helping you to elevate from your loser status. provided that ever happens.

看来我太高估自己了

talk about being insignificant. or rather not being treated like you exist or are part of anything. so much for the supposed team talk. seriously? i would suppose some of you read this and probably would be able to guess what im talking about but that doesn't bother me at all. simply because i no longer give a damn. training? what's that for? is there a point in doing all this juz to be told that you're not fit to be considered part of their noble journey towards ______________ whatever it is.


thanks a lot for letting me regret 'my decision'. at least i know that what i would have chosen   would have been the right choice. that i was discerning enough.

training on wed was the most productive ever. did 4 整套！which is quite crazy considering that prior to that the number of 整套 that i did doesn't even total up to 4. getting used to the whole wushu thing again, even though not competing is taking quite a bit out of that feeling i always had in the build-up to comps. doesnt quite make sense till now. and it probably won't ever.


alyssa was saying something about how we went one whole circle and ended up joining wushu anyway. i kinda agree, although there's still this thing bout soccer that i feel regretful about. it's like the connection to whatever happened then is broken simply cuz i know that i won't play it again, not in that context anyway. not without a heck for anything else. the worst part being that all this wasn't even what i chose. not that i wouldn't feel the same if i didn't join wushu especially during comps, just that i would still be able to go back to it somehow. not by actually doing wushu, but by the people and stuff. for some time at least.

math lecture test results =.= lol a lot more =.= than the crazy amount of people claiming the screwed it. and why do we have results for history! for the record, i have no idea if it's international or southeast asia or both. how smart. not that the results are desirable anyway. 

bsp symposium yesterday was better than previous years in terms of people who presented their lunwens (haha cuz i know them) and the fact that i was awake most of the time. other stuff like the food, the venue, the speakers they invited was juz not there. the best part was the prize presentation ceremony! xD we get a cool medal for all the effort we put into the lunwen! plus it has my name! lol but apart from that the whole lunwen thing is quite weird. cuz after we submit it, that's it. especially for people like me who got bronze cuz we didn't need to present, and we dun even get our lunwen or any 评语 back =.= i want to know how it was! mainly cuz we need to write another lunwen next year, so kind of need it for reference, but apparently moe doesn't think so. 


thanks to 低调 for celebrating my birthday yesterday! =D although it was so belated! juz because it's not one month late doesn't mean it's fine okay x) we basically ate a lot at like pastamania and secret recipe. lol it was the first time most of us took circle line leh! haha like yiming said “我把我的第一次给了你们。第一坐” xDDD i think 低调owns lah. we totally juz settle everything in front of each other, and we kind of gossiped a lot. except that zhiqi is stuck in pulau ubin and couldn't go =.=


on a random note, 王识贤 is DAH BOMB(lol victoria's style man, but quite apt). saw 王识贤 on 百万 on monday and he's really damn power at hokkien songs. so is 张信哲！haha i must go get hold of his other 2398645309470247 albums cuz the rate he releases albums is crazy.