that's it.

放棄止痛劑 跟記憶 迎面交集
我依然堅持 回到家才哭泣

我的極限 就到這裡
就算永遠 不能痊癒
太害怕安靜
所以習慣 自言自語

痛定思痛

昨天投篮的每一个“差一点”果真为接下来漩涡式的心情起伏埋下了伏笔。我真的不知道要怎么表达心中的那种痛，更加也没有一个真正能倾诉的对象，体会我心情的人。这样莫名其妙的被贬到备用的地位，又得眼睁睁的看着其他人占据原本可属于自己的位置，心中纠结不堪。最令人心痛的是，从理性的角度来看，我根本是谁也没资格怨，更加没有诉苦的权利或是让人为我感到不值，到抱不平的理由。除了漠不关心，也只有同情。虽然我付出的努力可能不及你们的要求，足以让我避免被忽视的命运吧。对于处在那种尴尬又心痛的情况下我，真的不知道还能怎么样了。

我真的是心力交瘁，筋疲力尽了。收手吧，睁开双眼看看周围的人心情到底有多纠结，多苦闷。千万别再埋怨自己处于的环境，因为我没你过得好，也没有任何同情你的理由。如果焦色对调，对我反倒更好。

痛定思痛，痛更痛。

think about the bloody consequences

ARGH *@$#!&%@&@

WHY AM I MADE TO FEEL SO GUILTY SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU ALL CONVENIENTLY THREW ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY TO ME. I BECAME THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR ACCOUNTING YOUR BEHAVIOUR. SORRY IF IM DIFFERENT FROM YOU AND GET AFFECTED SO EASILY BY SUCH STUFF THAT I FEEL ARE TOTALLY AGAINST MY CONSCIENCE EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T EVEN DO IT. IF I WASN'T DRAGGED INTO THIS AND DIDN'T GET AFFECTED SO MUCH, I WOULDN'T GIVE A DAMN.

how is it that some people can do outrageous things and not even realise their mistake when explicitly pointed out by others? and please have the courage to express your true feelings. no need to try so hard so put on a false front and act like nothing happened.

反正我对得起天地良心，而且并不认为在处理这件事方面有任何不妥。更何况你们把你们应该面对的谴责转到我身上，害得我因为这件事无辜的被连累。我知道有些人一定不爽到爆，不过我也管不了那么多。有可能经过这件事后，一切都会不一样，我们所熟悉的一切也会彻底的改变。可我决不会后悔，因为我至少过得了自己这一关。

免费的展览都没人看

haven't posted in so long and the first thing im gonna do is rant.


disgusting. that's probably that most apt word to describe you. making yourself a nuisance all the time is really something unprecedented. i do get pissed off everytime i see you. or maybe not. sometimes i laugh, at you of course. the best part is that you don't seem to understand it. why are you like permanently in exile, constantly kept out of range? it's not just a moment of bitching or an occasional biased view. if we needed case studies for all the weaknesses that you have, we'd have to study SEA ten times over. if you talk about pushovers who make their mark later on in life and that you're gonna follow that path in future, then congrats. but when you get there, think back and remember those people who played a vital role in pushing you around and helping you to elevate from your loser status. provided that ever happens.

看来我太高估自己了

talk about being insignificant. or rather not being treated like you exist or are part of anything. so much for the supposed team talk. seriously? i would suppose some of you read this and probably would be able to guess what im talking about but that doesn't bother me at all. simply because i no longer give a damn. training? what's that for? is there a point in doing all this juz to be told that you're not fit to be considered part of their noble journey towards ______________ whatever it is.


thanks a lot for letting me regret 'my decision'. at least i know that what i would have chosen   would have been the right choice. that i was discerning enough.

training on wed was the most productive ever. did 4 整套！which is quite crazy considering that prior to that the number of 整套 that i did doesn't even total up to 4. getting used to the whole wushu thing again, even though not competing is taking quite a bit out of that feeling i always had in the build-up to comps. doesnt quite make sense till now. and it probably won't ever.


alyssa was saying something about how we went one whole circle and ended up joining wushu anyway. i kinda agree, although there's still this thing bout soccer that i feel regretful about. it's like the connection to whatever happened then is broken simply cuz i know that i won't play it again, not in that context anyway. not without a heck for anything else. the worst part being that all this wasn't even what i chose. not that i wouldn't feel the same if i didn't join wushu especially during comps, just that i would still be able to go back to it somehow. not by actually doing wushu, but by the people and stuff. for some time at least.

math lecture test results =.= lol a lot more =.= than the crazy amount of people claiming the screwed it. and why do we have results for history! for the record, i have no idea if it's international or southeast asia or both. how smart. not that the results are desirable anyway. 

bsp symposium yesterday was better than previous years in terms of people who presented their lunwens (haha cuz i know them) and the fact that i was awake most of the time. other stuff like the food, the venue, the speakers they invited was juz not there. the best part was the prize presentation ceremony! xD we get a cool medal for all the effort we put into the lunwen! plus it has my name! lol but apart from that the whole lunwen thing is quite weird. cuz after we submit it, that's it. especially for people like me who got bronze cuz we didn't need to present, and we dun even get our lunwen or any 评语 back =.= i want to know how it was! mainly cuz we need to write another lunwen next year, so kind of need it for reference, but apparently moe doesn't think so. 


thanks to 低调 for celebrating my birthday yesterday! =D although it was so belated! juz because it's not one month late doesn't mean it's fine okay x) we basically ate a lot at like pastamania and secret recipe. lol it was the first time most of us took circle line leh! haha like yiming said “我把我的第一次给了你们。第一坐” xDDD i think 低调owns lah. we totally juz settle everything in front of each other, and we kind of gossiped a lot. except that zhiqi is stuck in pulau ubin and couldn't go =.=


on a random note, 王识贤 is DAH BOMB(lol victoria's style man, but quite apt). saw 王识贤 on 百万 on monday and he's really damn power at hokkien songs. so is 张信哲！haha i must go get hold of his other 2398645309470247 albums cuz the rate he releases albums is crazy.

但我的愛多強悍 出乎妳預料

简直欺人太甚。你总是吧你认为正确的，应该做的选择强加在别人身上。真是难以相信我曾经以为你这个人还蛮开通的。照你说名立场的态度看来，我是非顺你的意不可了。如果你打从一开始就不打算给我任何选择的余地，又何必装出一幅给我自主权的样子? 你竟然让犹豫不决的我三番四次的为此而困惑，让我在两者之间做一个选择。而当我好不容易下定决心以后，你竟然好意思告诉我你心中早有定夺，根本轮不得我。我最终当然会随你的意，不过我能很肯定地说，我绝对会后悔，而且这决定会留下不可磨灭的遗憾。一个你所赐给我的遗憾。

i can't believe im saying this again, but seriously? what's the point of being so upfront about your choices, appearing to be so enthu and yet try time and again to miss as much as you can? it's quite amazing, whatever you're doing now. valid reasons don't even matter since you never bother to even make up one, and when you do, it's obviously something you came up with on the spot. this is like direct to the max but it's kinda expected, no? surely you didn't think we would be all nice and forgiving and forget about all this when you're constantly giving us fresh things to gripe about.  

极限早被践踏了

對占星執迷
需要空洞的鼓勵
才認清自己
逞強終究 只是逃避

放棄止痛劑 跟記憶 迎面交集
我依然堅持 回到家才哭泣

我的極限 就到這裡
就算永遠 不能痊癒
太害怕安靜
所以習慣 自言自語

你的極限 也在這裡
別跨越 我失序的心
如果我是你
會更殘酷離去

副作用不明 但意志 還算清醒
我真的慶幸 不曾自我否定



yesterday was a disappointment. or rather one that i should have expected. wasn't surprised, juz pissed that it has become the norm, no? it's been like that for as long as i remember and it doesn't seem like it's gonna stop anytime soon. in fact i was so pissed yesterday that i almost decided for sure that i was not gonna wushu since you guys aren't making an effort. even when you already confirmed with shunxiang. what's with the reluctance?! dude, enough said. i could do this all day.


on to better things. my class has 18 ppl! juz like in henry park and 213. the story goes like this. on the first day we go into our CTs, there are 20 plus ppl in there, with the guys practically non existent. somehow by the second day we are down to 18 cuz ppl transferred out. on wed, this guy came in during seniors meet juniors, said he was joining our class, and promptly transferred the same day (we only saw him for 2 hours =.=) come today another guy joins our class. and before we know it, deja vu =.= guess what, he transferred out today! and so the current head count stands at 18 (to be confirmed though  -.-''')

拿人钱财，替人消灾

meeting yang liu later on for lunwen. hopefully whatever we sent to her yesterday is of an okay standard. spent like the entire day yesterday getting people to do survey/discussing how to write nei rong zhai yao/editing the lunwen/digressing and forcing myself to go back to lunwen. it's kinda worrying that im not really worried about the fact the lunwen is due on thurs considering the miserable amount of effort zhiqi and i put into it compared to the other scholars. and according to yang liu, this year's judges are gonna focus more on 语文和文法, which spells doom. not that our content is up to standard anyway. obviously we aren't expecting to 得奖 or present at the 论文研讨会. actually, im hoping we don't get to since we'll probably falter at the Q & A part so much so that the judges will wonder if we actually did the lunwen. lol but at the very least they probably won't revoke the scholarship (i hope) once they see the standard of our lunwen.


omg hopeless ranting again. but whatever it is, we'll churn out something by thursday, and after that it's goodbye to lunwen! for a while at least. before csc steps in and offers me another lunwen. this offer is pretty much the same, compulsory and all. only difference being the fact that we're on our own and it's gonna be a major part of our final grades. the deal just gets better, doesn't it?

ah craps what's with the rush to decide on a cca? and like tuesday? there's no way i could decide by then. actually this could juz go on forever and i'll never be able to choose. indecisive much? from what i heard, the time when we officially choose a cca is on the last day of orientation which is like aeons away, and gives me a reason to choose later on. went for the soccer training and well quite liked it. plus i was talking quite a bit with weining =D


i've been thinking about cca choices all the time and the process kinda goes like this. soccer or wushu? wushu, cuz i've been doing it for 4 years, plus there are batchmates who are joining. but there's like ...................................... and ..................................... which are compelling reasons not to join. so soccer. the training's not bad, i like the sport but i haven't played it in damn long. and then it all evens out. could i join both? well sure =.= only if i was zai in both sports or something. what bout hacas? im interested and could join it as a second cca since commitment isn't that high. but like, soccer or wushu?


okay that was draggy and pointless and i hope you didn't force yourself to read through all that. but the point is, no matter how much i think about it, i'll never be able to decide. how bout not joining a cca then? yeah sure =.= and hey, we're back at square one. so the point is? it's pointless to think about it since i'll never decide. lol okay this whole post is a drag and pretty much crap.


and. im not supposed to be here. lunwen! haven't been doing much the past few days, which is not a good sign at all since we're supposed to hand in on the 27th. and if you're reading this, go do our survey!
https://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?formkey=dHVUUGhUeC1tWnVwZGhveU44Y0hOOGc6MQ

it seems like no matter how much we say, the whole eye candy thing is still there. wow, this is really confusing, isn't it? have we not made it clear? i mean like, all i said in my post was hc wushu. it seems that you know me really well since you figured i was only concerned about the eye candy after reading my post where no one was pointed out. for your information, eye candy does not last, especially if you view it on a constant basis, no? and after that we get sick of it and move on to find the next target. 


so why waste 2 years on that?


对了，以后当你随便炮轰别人（尤其是根本都不认识的人）的时候，请你搞清楚状况，而不是在那瞎掰，免得惹人笑话。

wow it seems like i took the friendly gestures that was non detectable for granted eh? well, im sorry if we simply have too high an expectation of what good hospitality is. since im regarded as a loser/retard, i suppose i juz don't deserve any gestures of goodwill.


那我也只能说你们的好意太过高尚，我这种等级的人根本无法察觉，更加承受不起。真的不好意思，辜负你所谓存在的好意。


one more thing, please get your facts right. for someone who wasn't even there, im sure you're in a position to judge what i wrote.

first day at hc was average. cept that we were all walking round like idiots as though we weren't yet students of hwa chong. it seems as though they aren't responsible for telling us all the stuff that we're supposed to know. so long as we're in hc and we know the program, hey we're fine! i mean, we're juz like the hc guys who have been wearing their uniform for a year, should know how the heck to tuck the shirt in, and know how to get around the school campus. 


sure.


is that indifference constant throughout or something? or rather the 'leave you there to rot and die on your own' mindset. it was like that when we went for the open house, and somehow despite knowing quite some people there, no one seemed to bother to talk to us, or even acknowledge our presence. and somehow we put our names down on that paper.


and then it was the same again today. like hello, we aren't in hc wushu but it doesn't mean that we should be left to one side. realised this is kinda obvious, but like seriously. well, im not quite sure this is the kind of cca i would join. but it's not like i'll be of any importance anyway, since we're like down here and you're like up there, and we probably wont even be needed to make the numbers or anything. plus the exploding amount of awkwardness and weirdness when we were there is really more than enough to put people off. and with our 见不得光 wushu (skills? - if it's considered), i wonder how i will ever survive if i do decide that way.

the 27th?! WTF.

spent the entire day on 论文. damn crap lah, but the deadline suddenly drops out of nowhere and your originally 100% free holidays juz went poof. 

and now we come to the new decade

finally posting! and all because it's the awesome 01-01-2011. so what have i done in the past 2 months since graduation? first half of november was spent slacking and attempting to get myself to study for malay, before FINALLY completing the msp o level on the 16th. had a month of internship after that which was originally part of the 2 week wep. measly pay, but awesome experience. the 2 weeks after that have juz been spent slacking, sleeping, watching tv, and catching all those dramas that i never had time to watch.


went to some kranji farm o spend the christmas weekend and the highlight was probably that 'mini getai' they had there. and the best part is that i found out i knew most of those lao ge that they sang, but all those songs were buried somewhere in my head unknown to me. 


坐在那听老歌的感觉实在是太棒，有种难以捉摸的亲切感。


oh yeah watched the channel 8 countdown yesterday night. most of the singing was quite good, but i have to say something bout the 只对你有感觉 that dai yang tian and co sang. it was terrible =.= sorry to all their ardent fans out there but i really felt that there were times when they 冷场 and didn't seem sure about what they were supposed to sing, which is rather telling about their singing.


haven't posted in so long that i really don't know how to continue this. so there.

graduation tomorrow. it all feels so fast, especially with the chinese lessons. im sure we'll all miss nanyang, but probably what we miss most is the sense of belonging. it's like how we've gotten so used to life in nanyang and it's become our comfort zone. the classroom, 武馆, the hall, canteen, all the people. we've probably become settled so snugly that we hate to get out of this, just like how we hate getting out of bed when its raining damn heavily and the weather is damn cooling. the thing about jc is that it doesnt feel like you really belong in any place? considering that most of the time we'll be in lectures, not classrooms. which then comes to the point of ccas. the thing about joining wushu in jc is that i'll having to break out of that comfort zone of wushu in nanyang. cuz the situation isn't the same even though it's the same cca. for people like me who dun have a dying passion for wushu, it's the people and the environment that make the difference. that was present in nyws, but in hc? maybe.

it's the first time im going to a new school when i know like so many people. it took damn long to adjust from pei hwa to henry park, then from henry park to nanyang. i'd always thought that starting afresh was worse than going into a familiar environment. now that i think about it, things might be a lot easier and simpler starting anew. having said all that, im probably still not ready and definitely don't want to leave. and a big thank you to all those people who've made a part of my nanyang life!

something really apt

From kyx! lol koped from one of his notes.

Take off your shoes. Wear mine. Walk around a little. How does it feel?

Not that I ask too much. It's akin to a competition: sometimes we participate and don't get the result we want. Though we might accept that those above us deserve their placing, we still have every right to be disappointed. It's the same thing.

You think of the people before us, how they were different. But is that analogy valid? Let us examine it by means of another analogy. The analogy to an analogy. Concentric circles. How inceptive. 

Consider two students. Their relative proficiencies in the various subjects are irrelevant. One aims for a 3.6, the other wants a 4.0. They both get 3.8. Though they both get the same thing, the first student is happy; the second isn't. Call him stupid for aiming for an unrealistic 4.0, but the quest for perfection is an admirable undertaking. Tread softly, because you tread on his dreams. 

From here on, it's a simple matter: what do you do when you've given your all but your all is not enough?

What do you do when you've tried your best but it does not manifest?

The dauntless intrepid one goes: try harder!

The tiny voice in the back of your head screams: I've tried my best!

The pragmatist goes: give up.

Alas, we are humans, and humans are we; easier options are preferred. The pragmatist wins again. 

Besides, sometimes, by the time you realise that it's not enough, it's too late to try again. 

And there is one logical outcome: apostasy. 

When you're not happy with what you're given, you can decide that you'd rather have nothing. So you throw it all away and wander around in search of greener pastures. In short, severance. 

But giving something up is never easy. It's a long, painstaking process that stretches over days, even months. Yet, for the sake of a brighter future, it must be done. We can only move on by cutting the restraints that tether us. 

But it is not to be! Halfway through the process, they call you back, threatening to jeopardise whatever progress you have made! And you would have to start again, from step one. You'd have to relive the opening throes of the Severance. An unpleasant thought at best. 

In the end, you find yourself looking in from outside the window. 

Call it hypocrisy. Call it betrayal. I don't need your pity or sympathy. I don't even expect your empathy. In fact, I don't know why I'm even accounting for my actions. But I hope that you respect my decisions. Indeed, we all encounter choices in our life. When one door closes, another opens. Perhaps, when one door opens, another closes. Maybe the opening of one door necessitates the closing of another. 

And with this, I unfetter my burdened conscience.

I am free.